Saturday, November 30, 2013

#21




I miss the days we used to spend our days in our favorite cafe, ranting about our lives, talking about how much we wanted the times to pass so that everything we were having will only become memories. Beside the window, the rays of the fiery sun caressed your face while the black shadow that casted over me was you.

Your smile shone like shining gold, reminded me of the tremors I felt when I first met you. The way you smoked that cigarettes, laughed at my rave about how my life had been so helter skelter those days. Everything that you did made me feel as if my feet had been gripped by the cafe floor; I just wanted to stay there with you forever.

At that time, even the dearest journal of yours made me envious. I wished I could be the journal you always kept by the side of your bed at night and the one who knew every vein of you, and every inch of your thoughts. While the black coffee I sipped, and the music we loved was being played, you told me that if I were to forget you, you would always be in this cafe, and wait for me.

My dear, you are never far from my thoughts as you are the only thing I think about lately. It took me a lot of courage to ever step into the little cafe where we used to share our moments together, again. I was afraid if I'm not going to find you in there, because I still remember you.

However, this morning, I made up my mind. I walked in through that door and sat on that chair in the corner, beside the window. The sun rays came down as always. The ashtrays that we etched our names on was still there. The music we used to sing along to, was being played too.

Every single thing in the cafe took me back to memory lane. I could vividly remember the way you stared at me, the way you sipped the coffee, the way you jotted down your feelings in your diary and the way you smiled. I could sense your presence, sitting on the chair in front of me, smoking cigarette and smirking sweetly at me. But you weren't there.

As much as how badly I want you to already sit on that chair, flipping through your diary, wait for me to come and wave your hand to me when you see me walk through the door, I just want you to be happy. I want you to be happy the way you are, and be happy at wherever you are.

I know you don't want to leave either. But I'm sure that's the best for you. Don't worry about me.

May God bless you, forever and always.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

#20


Embedded image permalink


This is what I've been up to, albeit the headache I'm having due to the approaching SPM. 

Like a symmetrical line dividing the mesh of serenity on one part and chaotic on the opposite side of my life right now. 

That's what makes life worth living for, nevertheless.

Friday, October 18, 2013

#19


Somehow I do think that

Life is a play and we're merely players. The difference here is that players impersonate other people, and have a script, knowing what to do and what may come whilst we are our own selves and everything is subliminal like we must go with the flow and accept the consequence of our earlier action. And we have no audiences too, well maybe not that we know. However, we have the power to change the play, meaning that we are also the stagehands. We can manipulate others so that the play will be the play we want it to be yet can't compare to the power of God. He knows best, He is the owner of the play.

We are totally established with our own roles, we got lost in the play and live in it through the ups and downs of it. We get to know others, and each of us creates the excuse to act fully in our play through the relationship we have with others. We can experience our existence in togetherness, because we feel that we somehow are important to the other party. But we, must also be an observer in order to learn about our energy and existence in order to act fully in our parts.

So I am a player, an actor, by mistake or design. It could be a comedy, drama, or even tragedy, yet I enjoy being one. Sometimes I stay as the bystander of myself and my environs, being aware that my existence is not affected. And thinking whether my existence affects others, like am I really matter to others, especially to those who I love. And how would the play and the other players I care would live like if I never existed.

And wondering about the ending of the play.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

#18


The sun shines on me but will never be able to light up my dark heart. You keep giving but I can't take anything no more. You promise me things but I can't let myself believe. I'm a person with a kaleidoscope full of feelings. Having all of them at once; is like strangling my neck with the chain of sorrow. I was holding on, believing that I could let free this pain one day. But it was just a wishful thinking because it never happens.

Just because you're breathing, doesn't mean that you're alive. I can barely breathe that I can't figure out if life is still what I have. I lost my shoes and I'll walk in yours if I could. So that I can get away from these feelings; because you aren't feeling what I'm feeling.

Even the time flies, I can't ever get away from the thoughts of you. I thought they would be gone but they just keep growing in the back of my mind. All I can do is reminiscing the bitterness of the situations and let the tears falling down my cheeks. Leaving me painfully sad while hoping for a miracle to occur and take the bad memories of ours away.

As you tear calendars page each day, the memories of ours rip my heart. I live pretending that you're no longer I remember. I thought my world would still be the same even when you're no longer with me. They tell me to laugh it off because what we've done was a stupid mistake but I can't even recall what it is. Because it hurts me to the bone just by thinking of it.

Please don't say that I'll be better tomorrow. My day is even darker that your darkest night. Don't tell me that I'll stop crying when my tears fall down even heavier than the rain that made you feel cold. The sun goes down and the stars come out for you while nothing changes for me. Even if my heart is finally light up again, your footprint is still going to be on it.

Don't say that I look happier without you when I'm giving you the fake smile. You can feel relieved that I'm no longer stuck in the love we had while I'm holding back my tears. My heart is a gallery of you and all I wanna do is to make it empty. Tell me why you're so sure that I'll find a better person than you when the love I'll have with another will be worse than our separation.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

#17




So, there was a girl, very weird and always had this kind of mysterious air surrounded her. She never cared albeit people always looked at her in a different way, not in a way she wanted them to see her. As to make friends with others, wasn't a piece of cake for her. But eventually she managed to find some. Maybe.

Until at some point, she started to be tired of being called names, and being among the many names. She thought she was strong, she would always be okay, but she was wrong. She then thought of being someone else, wanting to be the person she can't be, to be normal; at least to others' eyes. She hated herself, no one understood her. But she had no one to put the blame on, besides her own self. 

She wasn't happy. She has always wanted to be herself. And be loved by others for her real self in return. But she didn't want to pretend nor she ever wanted to do it in a first place. She was just scared, afraid that people would hate her, would think falsely about her.

So she started to build up some tall walls around her. She didn't want to mind others' business, so she hoped others would do towards her, she only wanted them to leave her alone. She was hurt and she couldn't bear it. She got no one and nothing for her to make her a safety blanket. She was helpless. 

But one day, a boy came passing her wall. There wasn't a second guess that there were sparks between them, at least this is what the girl believed. She finally made up her mind. She wanted to get to know the boy better, but yes, she was still so intimidated- by herself, the boy, and her environs. However, the same case happened to the boy. She could see it in his eyes. They both are dying to exchange greetings, but they held it against them. 

The days passed by as their feelings for each other grew. They finally learnt to smile, an impromptu smile. They now could smile, without being told to. Maybe just a glance of each other brightened up their day. They felt something for each other. They were drawn to each other, just like magnets. They both could hear their heart beat so fast while they both in each others' presence. It was sort of undeclared concession, it just happened. It was magical. t

The girl then let her guard down for him. The walls she built wasn't longer existed. And the boy did the same, for her. They started to know more about each other. At the moment, she could see herself in himself, and so the boy. They are physically and mentally different but somehow, they could relate to each other. Again, it was magical. 

To call it love, she never thought of it; not in the slightest. But who knows what was the boy thought? But they finally made it a declared agreement. They called it love, or whatever people call it the reason why one's having too much dopamine and adrenaline rushing inside of his body. They could talk about everything, even the silly ones, the ridiculous ones without being judged. They needed no walls anymore, they finally could be in their own skins. They certainly cared about no one's judgements.

The girl was me whilst the boy was you. 

And you left me. You were everything I loved but you went away. You were the reason I let my guard and walls down , and you're also the one who made me building them up once again. But I can't anymore, it's very hard for me, I forgot how. I only know you, I only remember you. 

After what we've been through, I realise that I still don't know what love is. What I know now is that it is only going farther away from me. I hide from the world, I don't know who I am the moment you left. I scream your name eventhough you didn't answer. I'm getting more sick and it looks like I'm the only one who's hurting. I threw your poems, letters and photos but although they're gone, they won't get erased in my mind. 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

#16


Uninspired to write about anything thanks to lemang and rendang. Anyway, Happy Eid Al Fitr everyone.




Tuesday, August 6, 2013

#15


I'm a year older today..




So yeah, I'm 17.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

#14

Words are like bullets, and they kill as well as any gun. A word can cause trouble to the person who speaks and the other party which the word is addressed to. A word can cause a war, even without any action. A heart can be cured or broken. A supposedly happy endings can turn out to be a sad, bad ending. A life can be better or a life can be worse.

The consequences of the spoken words can stay and linger a person for the rest of his life. Little that you know that all actions and decisions start with words; nice words nor bad words. Somehow, the tongue can be the determinant of life and death, happiness and sadness, contentment and misery.

Your thoughts are personal, but not your comments. You have the right to think, choose and talk. But it is also your obligation to know the right way to express them; your ideas and thoughts. You can comment but you should know the effect of every single word you speak and how you let the other person to be aware about it. Talking to merely affirm your aim without considering one's feeling listening to your words is the most irrelevant, dumbest thing a person can do.

When you believe too much in your tongue and words, you almost can't believe in your eyes and heart anymore. When you let your words on behalf of yourself win every time, you actually begin to distrust the other possibilities, other than your 'possibility'. And when you entrust your tongue to settle things, you are likely to experience things you said, might be backfiring.

You can't say nice words when you hate. And when you hate, it is quite impossible for you to love something or someone. So, you say awful words to clarify your hate. You don't want to hear. You don't want to see. You only want to speak, because to you; it's you that matter. It's your hate that's important.

Unbeknownst to you that, you are turning a person's life into something better or vice versa. You may just kill someone's passion and dream, just by your words. Your words can hurt and the wound may still continue to bleed even until her last breath.

Sometimes, I wish for people to just shut their mouth when they have nothing nice to say. Yes, people should speak their minds and the truth, but when it comes to personal things and other people's feeling, they should consider other's feelings most of all.

Now, I'm one of the people who have been hurt by some spoken words and the speaker. And I'm hurting more than ever.

Speak wisely and considering other people's feeling is something I wish the world could do.

Friday, June 14, 2013

#13


bed, black and white, blanket, book, light

These days, I'm not the usual me. Even sometimes I feel like I'm not even me. I often think that I'm an old soul in a young body. But not the wise one. I've been thinking too much, I've seen things that might happen and heard things that could be true in my brain. It's suffocating me, like hell, because they are bad, far from good. Sometimes, when I finally could stop thinking and reminiscing, and eventually could go to sleep, I wish everything will be fine- Just like what I've seen in my dreams. I dreamed about very beautiful things, so I wish I could keep on dreaming. Because I know that dream, fantasy is way better than the reality. Reality sucks. And in point of fact, it's much sucker when I already know that it happens that way because of me.
Putting the blame on myself.

Sometimes, I would just tell myself that I should just let it be. Like, telling myself that I've seen it all, I've felt it all, then just had my time, the way I could. Anyway, every so often, I would get up and start all over again, too. But when it failed again, I could feel that my body is throbbing slowly. Even now, I feel like I got nothing, but my aching soul.
Think and pray, think and pray all over again, until I fall asleep.
So I can dream in my fantasy.

They are unaware of my insecurities. They are unaware that I'm aching, when I'm actually faking smiles. No one is aware, when I hope someone will.
Just like in my dreams.

I wish one day, I won't bother if I can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than my dreams.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

#12






Remember this song? :)

It's been a while, since we last met. Well, I'm not sure should I use the word 'met' because, you know, we never had any eye contact or exchanging glances for a while. Anyway, I hope you noticed my existence as I noticed yours. I knew you were there, through the corner of my eye, also looking at my direction- I hope so. I could vividly recall the moment we were actually looking into each other eyes, even for a few seconds. It made me feel so awkward yet peaceful, and beautiful. Somehow, through the eyes full of fear of yours, I felt safe and happy, just by looking into them.

Then you told me a secret, which I knew already what it was about. We shared the same secret through texts and laughed our hearts out at the acknowledgement of it. Nevertheless, I wasn't sure if I was ready for this but I never mentioned about it. So I lied. I lied that the secret you told me was never a serious thing to me, and you should not take it seriously too. While I was crying in my heart, because I knew what I was doing could be a bad thing for you and I.

You made my day, that day, honest. But I was the one who ruined it. I ruined everything, because I was too selfish and self-centered. All I could think that time was me, me and me. I was scared if I would get hurt or if you would leave me. I was afraid if I choose you, I would lose something or someone else. I was terrified whether this was what I wanted and if this was something that worth to try.

But the thought of you is aching me right now. I regret that I didn't think about how would you feel after how I showed my harshness to you that day. I am sorry.

I lied, because I was heartless.
However, you know why I use my heart less these days right?

Again, I'm sorry.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

#11


Mid year exam..

is just around the corner.


Saturday, April 20, 2013

#10




You called me but I deleted your number so I picked the call without hesitation, because I didn't know it was you. It was you, your voice saying 'hey' and I could hear you breathing, you were too loud, and maybe nervous. So did I. Why? Why would you call me after what we have promised; not to care about each other anymore. I really wanted to hang up the phone, in order not to break the promise between you and I but something stopped me from doing that. 

You kept silent, and I remained quiet. Then, you asked me out, maybe having a walk and talk along the beach where we used to spend our time together, while watching the sunset and the tides. I thought it was probably not a good idea but I said yes, just because I missed you a lot and I didn't want us to be strangers anymore.

As we exchanged stories while enjoying the nice breeze, you laughed a lot, mostly at my stories. You bought me a white cotton candy then you were just watching me having it by myself. I was so happy. You were smiling all the time, I could see both of your dimples obviously. That was the smile which is a curve that sets everything straight just like before- the smile that made me a loser to you. 

I never paid the smile back. My feelings were jumbled. I felt mad but happy at the same time. But the anger towards you got the best of me. You said that you missed me and you wanted me in your life back, just like before. I stood up and punched you in the face without knowing. I was too angry I guess. 

I cursed at you and I stuffed the cotton candy you bought me in your mouth. I went away quickly. I couldn't take it as I was still struggling to get over you, and I told myself not to love you anymore. But you were asking me to be with you again? I might have killed you for asking me that but I went less-extreme. 

After a few minutes repressing, I went back to you. I saw you lying down at the seaside and you turned your head to see me coming. You suddenly rose when I couldn't even get closer to you. You ran and threw your body in the sea, out of the blue, as fast as lightning. 

I screamed your name and was asking for help but it seemed that no one could hear me. I looked around, and there was no one around, so did the Chinese uncle you bought the cotton candy from. I was all alone, and I couldn't see your body through the water. I cried. I cried my heart out. I shouted that I would like to be with you again and I begged like crazy, hoping you to come out. Nothing. You weren't coming out no matter how loud I yelled and what I shouted.

I thought you died and I was clueless of what to do next so I ran away, trying to get away from there while crying. However, there was a big red car suddenly crashed into me.

But I was okay. I was on my bed, where I have spent most of my time on. I was sweating a lot and it was 2 in the morning. I knew it was just a dream. 

However, I was glad we got to dream hang, eventhough the ending was terrible. Nonetheless, the ending was actually very much like what we're going through; you've been hiding from me and I keep running away from you.

Pretending not to care about you anymore is killing me. I have to stop doing this and so do you. I'm waiting and hoping and wishing for the time, when we could be happy together again.

I miss you, old friend. :)

Saturday, March 30, 2013

#9


I miss my past a lot, so much that it hurts me. I was really happy and care less back then. It's not that I don't like my life now but sometimes I would just lie on the floor thinking about things I had, things I did and things I enjoyed then. But what depresses me more is the lost friendships I have. I miss my old friends so bad but I don't think there's anything I can do to have them back & because I guess they just don't care about it anymore.

Don't missunderstand this situation of mine. I'm absolutely happy & thankful with myself and my life, honest. I'm happy with what I have, what I'm doing and people I'm with but I just don't like how the world works. The fact that time changes me is also giving me a hard time to accept this feeling. Encountering people I had some good times with is totally just an ordinary encounter now. We barely talk to each other or even exchange smiles. We used to keep each other's secrets but I don't think we even remember those secrets these days.

I just don't know how to move on & let go those memories behind, like what others told me to do. I don't even know how to start the very 1st step in moving on. I hope I can let go these memories easily but in the other hand, I think it would be waste of time to even try, because it will never work.



“If letting go, if letting people and things work themselves out in the way that they needed to without your help was the most important thing, then it was also the hardest.” 

― Deb CalettiThe Six Rules of Maybe


“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” 
― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free


I need to start over. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

#8


My dear,

How are you? Please be fine, I beg, because there are many things you should do before you get sick and die. Life is beautiful but world is mean, not only to you, but everyone else too. So, keep on living strong and happy. Even though sky sometimes seems grey and thunder comes or you have to walk on thorns and broken glasses to reach your destiny, please convince yourself that you're strong enough to finish what you have started. It's because you might regret for quitting too soon when the chance is actually knocking right in front of you. And because I hate to see you feeling sorry to yourself, please have more confidence in yourself because you are better than what you think.

Every time you wake up in the morning, remember to say Alhamdulillah, because you are still given a new chance to enjoy and change for the better. Every time you look at yourself in the mirror, be grateful to your creator, Allah S.W.T because you are one of His beautiful arts in this world, that has feelings and senses. Even though you have your own complexities, tell yourself that you are beautiful the way you are. When you are about to talk to someone, talk nicely and say only good things. Treat people like how you want to be treated. Be a good servant to Allah, be a good daughter to your parents, be a good sister to your siblings, be a good friend to your friends.. Well, be a good person to everyone you should, I suppose.

The one I know for years,

I know you're keeping every thing inside since you were very young. You are just scared of their assumption of yourself. But in the end, you are the one that will be there, who will be the star of your own life, so please be more open about your mind, think positive about their opinions and don't be afraid to love what you want. I know your dream is too far away in the sky, hanging on the cloud above you but you will find the staircase to grab it up there one fine day, as long as you keep looking for it. I know what you want to be in the future. I know what you would like to have when you grow up. So, work hard for it! Just ask Allah for His help, be nice to your parents more than anyone else, study smart and respect your teachers. You might fail and fall for numerous times but please try to stand up again. It may takes time but I'll always be by your side no matter what. Always remember you are doing this for yourself .

I know you thought of quitting but let me tell you that you can only quit when you die or you'll  be nothing but a poor, pathetic person. Be thankful that you have everyone you love around you. You have good times with them but still, I know, you would cry because of the loneliness inside of you, sometimes. Just cry whenever you want, no one has the right to tell you not to, but you can't let your beautiful eyes dry from crying. I hope you can hold on the tears until it's finally the perfect time for it. Always strive to be stronger.

My bestfriend,

What will you be years from now? What will you do for a living? How much will you earn from your job? Will you like what you'll be doing? Would you ever find the right man and tie the knot with him? How would he look like? What kind of job he has? How much would you love each other? How many kids would you have? Would they look like you or him?

I don't know. It's beyond my ability to know the answers. No one can, because Allah is the only one who knows best .

My love,

Everything happens for a reason. No matter what's coming, you'll always have my back. I want to tell you that you should get all that you deserve and keep on loving yourself and your life. Besides that, I want you to keep holding on whatever you're doing. Please continue believing and dreaming your dreams. I hope that you'll be someone to someone in this world and even when you are in the other world.

Thank you for reading, Dzy. I know my grammar sucks. But it's not a sin.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

#7

Toxic people are stupid, idiot, insensitive, obnoxious, self-centered, ignorant, cocky people who are inconsiderate and do stupid things. Toxic people are people who don't do exactly what you think they ought to do, exactly when you think they ought to do it. Toxic people are also the people who have shown themselves to be very brainless in one way or another. They like to do the same thing but expecting a different result too. Besides that, toxic people know how to act as if they're the most nice person in the world you'd ever know when they're totally not. Futhermore, jerks would also badmouth other people to make them feel better about themselves. Finally, jerks are people who are both stupid while also stubbornly refusing to stop being stupid when asked.

At the age of 17, I started to realise that one can be a 'level-A jerk' at such a young age because I've encountered with some at school. They'd do anything to see you fall and devastate because they tend to be jealous of others lives because they're experiencing a set of -ve feeling about themselves and would try so hard to make others look & feel worse than themselves. I'm having a quite hard time at school in dealing with jerks & I've been very patient.

I've listened enough what they said about me. I've seen enough what they did behind my back. I've been careful enough not to get hurt but I failed, because they were just too good and cunning- just like ninja, without me ever knowing. I don't know how to put this but I guess eventhough I sometime want to do something about it, I realised that I'm just used to it now.

And that I'm being aware of the fact that I don't care anymore.
APATHY.


Friday, March 1, 2013

#6


Human fertilization is the union of a humanoid egg and sperm, usually occurring in the ampulla of the uterine tube. The result of this union is the production of a zygote, or fertilized egg, initiating prenatal development. Scientists discovered the dynamics of human fertilization in the nineteenth century.The process of fertilization involves a sperm (male reproductive cells) fusing with an ovum (female reproductive cells). The most common sequence begins with ejaculation during copulation, follows with ovulation, and finishes with fertilization. Various exceptions to this sequence are possible, including artificial insemination, In vitro fertilization, external ejaculation without copulation, or copulation shortly after ovulation. Upon encountering the ovum, the acrosome of the sperm produces enzymes which allow it to burrow through the outer jelly coat of the egg. The sperm plasma then fuses with the egg's plasma membrane, the sperm head disconnects from its flagellum and the egg travels down the Fallopian tube to reach the uterus. In the next 24 hours after the sperm meets the egg, fertilization would begin. A new cell is created and it starts diving rapidly. It travels further from the fallopian tube to the uterus and attaches itself in its walls. This is how a baby is formed and continues to grow within the secured walls of the amniotic sack.

Well, actually there are 200 - 600 million sperm normally found in ejaculate increases the chance that some will reach a mature egg, eventually with just one being able to enter and fertilize it. Meaning that out of those millions sperm, the only sperm that won the race was us (unless if you're a twin). So, yes! I'm the sperm who won the race!! Feeling great, right? But have you ever wondered if a different sperm had hit your mother's egg, would you still be you? & Would you be here now, if you'd lost that race? 

I don't know if we could trust this article I found 100% but I do trust it (a little).

It DOES make a difference which sperm wins the race: Scientists scan 100 sperm from one man - and find huge DNA differences.

The 'race' betweeen human sperm to the eggs might just look like a bunch of wriggling tadpoles- but it makes a big difference which sperm wins. Even sperm cells from the same man have big genetic differences, a study has shown. For the first time, scientists have obtained genetic blueprints of almost 100 sperm from a single individual.

The results confirm what scientists already know, that every sperm is different because of the way their inherited DNA is shuffled.The process, known as recombination, mixes up genes passed down by a man's mother and father and increases genetic diversity.

Each of the 91 sperm studied showed an average of 23 recombination, or mixing, events. But individual sperm varied greatly in the way they experienced spontaneous genetic mutations.Every sperm contained between 25 and 36 ‘new’ mutations, not seen in other body cells.

Two sperm were found to be missing entire chromosomes, the protein-bound packages of DNA that contain the genes.Random mutations create genetic variation, but can be harmful if they occur in the wrong places.

The cells were donated by a 40-year-old man who has healthy offspring and normally functioning sperm.
‘For the first time we were able to generate an individual recombination map and mutation rate for each of several sperm from one person,’ said Professor Barry Behr, from Stanford University in California, US.‘Now we can look at a particular individual, make some calls about what they would likely contribute genetically to an embryo, and perhaps even diagnose or detect potential problems.’Genetically sequencing sperm could provide a ‘new kind of early detection system’ to identify men who may have trouble conceiving, he added.

Most cells in the human body have two copies each of 23 chromosomes, containing DNA inherited from both parents. However, sperm in men and eggs in women only have single copies.Recombination occurs before the chromosomes are partitioned. During a process called meiosis, pairs of chromosomes line up along the midsection of the cell. Portions of the chromosome pairs may then be randomly swapped, mixing up the inherited DNA elements.

This generates much more genetic variation than would be possible if only intact chromosomes were segregated into reproductive cells. It helps ensure that a baby inherits a blend of DNA from all four of his or her grandparents. Sperm and egg chromosomes pair up to produce the usual two-copy compliment after fertilisation.

So yes. I think that I would still be A me but not THIS me if another sperm had got there first. But I think I obviously would have different physical traits and personality if that had happened (but I'm glad I'm me). 

And have you ever asked your parents why they gave birth to you? Parents did have a choice not to have a kid but they chose to have kids. If you feel you cannot ask this question to your parents, imagine asking this question to your Creator.

Who has the authority if Allah has to take your permission to create you? If you have the authority, does it not make Allah inferior to you? Can someone inferior to you be your God? Moreover, if we read the Quran, we will know that we have agreed to worship and obey Allah before we came to this earth. Of course, we don't remember it.That's why Allah in His infinite mercy has reminded us.The whole of Quran is a “reminder” and hence the name “dhikr” for the Quran.

“And [mention] when your Lord took from the children of Adam – from their loins – their descendants and made them testify of themselves, [saying to them], "Am I not your Lord?" They said, "Yes, we have testified." [This] – lest you should say on the day of Resurrection, "Indeed, we were of this unaware."
                                                                                                                            - Chapter 7: Verse 172

So Allah is only expecting us to fulfill what we have agreed to.

We have a choice to decide where we want to be and we can make a good choice by deciding to obey Allah in all possible ways and seek His forgiveness for our shortcomings. If that's too hard, we always have a choice to disobey and deceive ourselves in this short and temporary worldly life and end up in misery in the eternal life after death.

So, I think the reason why I'm me today is because I have agreed to be born in this world and to worship and obey Allah. However, I'm still trying to give my best to Allah and I'm so ashamed that I'm still so clueless on so many things even though I know I would never be perfect in any way no matter how hard I try. So, I just want to a better me, in every way.

Everyday wasn't the day I wanted it to be. I've always told myself to not to do things I told myself to stop doing but I would always fail. 

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” I think I should just let it go and be happy the way I am and stop rushing myself to change immediately. 

Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.

- Every Sperm Is Sacred, Monty Python 

Never question why we're here. Never regret being who you are. Be happy because life's too short to wake up with regrets. Love with your heart & live with your faith. Keep your head up and nothing will bring you down.