Saturday, March 30, 2013


I miss my past a lot, so much that it hurts me. I was really happy and care less back then. It's not that I don't like my life now but sometimes I would just lie on the floor thinking about things I had, things I did and things I enjoyed then. But what depresses me more is the lost friendships I have. I miss my old friends so bad but I don't think there's anything I can do to have them back & because I guess they just don't care about it anymore.

Don't missunderstand this situation of mine. I'm absolutely happy & thankful with myself and my life, honest. I'm happy with what I have, what I'm doing and people I'm with but I just don't like how the world works. The fact that time changes me is also giving me a hard time to accept this feeling. Encountering people I had some good times with is totally just an ordinary encounter now. We barely talk to each other or even exchange smiles. We used to keep each other's secrets but I don't think we even remember those secrets these days.

I just don't know how to move on & let go those memories behind, like what others told me to do. I don't even know how to start the very 1st step in moving on. I hope I can let go these memories easily but in the other hand, I think it would be waste of time to even try, because it will never work.

“If letting go, if letting people and things work themselves out in the way that they needed to without your help was the most important thing, then it was also the hardest.” 

― Deb CalettiThe Six Rules of Maybe

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” 
― Steve MaraboliLife, the Truth, and Being Free

I need to start over. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


My dear,

How are you? Please be fine, I beg, because there are many things you should do before you get sick and die. Life is beautiful but world is mean, not only to you, but everyone else too. So, keep on living strong and happy. Even though sky sometimes seems grey and thunder comes or you have to walk on thorns and broken glasses to reach your destiny, please convince yourself that you're strong enough to finish what you have started. It's because you might regret for quitting too soon when the chance is actually knocking right in front of you. And because I hate to see you feeling sorry to yourself, please have more confidence in yourself because you are better than what you think.

Every time you wake up in the morning, remember to say Alhamdulillah, because you are still given a new chance to enjoy and change for the better. Every time you look at yourself in the mirror, be grateful to your creator, Allah S.W.T because you are one of His beautiful arts in this world, that has feelings and senses. Even though you have your own complexities, tell yourself that you are beautiful the way you are. When you are about to talk to someone, talk nicely and say only good things. Treat people like how you want to be treated. Be a good servant to Allah, be a good daughter to your parents, be a good sister to your siblings, be a good friend to your friends.. Well, be a good person to everyone you should, I suppose.

The one I know for years,

I know you're keeping every thing inside since you were very young. You are just scared of their assumption of yourself. But in the end, you are the one that will be there, who will be the star of your own life, so please be more open about your mind, think positive about their opinions and don't be afraid to love what you want. I know your dream is too far away in the sky, hanging on the cloud above you but you will find the staircase to grab it up there one fine day, as long as you keep looking for it. I know what you want to be in the future. I know what you would like to have when you grow up. So, work hard for it! Just ask Allah for His help, be nice to your parents more than anyone else, study smart and respect your teachers. You might fail and fall for numerous times but please try to stand up again. It may takes time but I'll always be by your side no matter what. Always remember you are doing this for yourself .

I know you thought of quitting but let me tell you that you can only quit when you die or you'll  be nothing but a poor, pathetic person. Be thankful that you have everyone you love around you. You have good times with them but still, I know, you would cry because of the loneliness inside of you, sometimes. Just cry whenever you want, no one has the right to tell you not to, but you can't let your beautiful eyes dry from crying. I hope you can hold on the tears until it's finally the perfect time for it. Always strive to be stronger.

My bestfriend,

What will you be years from now? What will you do for a living? How much will you earn from your job? Will you like what you'll be doing? Would you ever find the right man and tie the knot with him? How would he look like? What kind of job he has? How much would you love each other? How many kids would you have? Would they look like you or him?

I don't know. It's beyond my ability to know the answers. No one can, because Allah is the only one who knows best .

My love,

Everything happens for a reason. No matter what's coming, you'll always have my back. I want to tell you that you should get all that you deserve and keep on loving yourself and your life. Besides that, I want you to keep holding on whatever you're doing. Please continue believing and dreaming your dreams. I hope that you'll be someone to someone in this world and even when you are in the other world.

Thank you for reading, Dzy. I know my grammar sucks. But it's not a sin.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Toxic people are stupid, idiot, insensitive, obnoxious, self-centered, ignorant, cocky people who are inconsiderate and do stupid things. Toxic people are people who don't do exactly what you think they ought to do, exactly when you think they ought to do it. Toxic people are also the people who have shown themselves to be very brainless in one way or another. They like to do the same thing but expecting a different result too. Besides that, toxic people know how to act as if they're the most nice person in the world you'd ever know when they're totally not. Futhermore, jerks would also badmouth other people to make them feel better about themselves. Finally, jerks are people who are both stupid while also stubbornly refusing to stop being stupid when asked.

At the age of 17, I started to realise that one can be a 'level-A jerk' at such a young age because I've encountered with some at school. They'd do anything to see you fall and devastate because they tend to be jealous of others lives because they're experiencing a set of -ve feeling about themselves and would try so hard to make others look & feel worse than themselves. I'm having a quite hard time at school in dealing with jerks & I've been very patient.

I've listened enough what they said about me. I've seen enough what they did behind my back. I've been careful enough not to get hurt but I failed, because they were just too good and cunning- just like ninja, without me ever knowing. I don't know how to put this but I guess eventhough I sometime want to do something about it, I realised that I'm just used to it now.

And that I'm being aware of the fact that I don't care anymore.

Friday, March 1, 2013


Human fertilization is the union of a humanoid egg and sperm, usually occurring in the ampulla of the uterine tube. The result of this union is the production of a zygote, or fertilized egg, initiating prenatal development. Scientists discovered the dynamics of human fertilization in the nineteenth century.The process of fertilization involves a sperm (male reproductive cells) fusing with an ovum (female reproductive cells). The most common sequence begins with ejaculation during copulation, follows with ovulation, and finishes with fertilization. Various exceptions to this sequence are possible, including artificial insemination, In vitro fertilization, external ejaculation without copulation, or copulation shortly after ovulation. Upon encountering the ovum, the acrosome of the sperm produces enzymes which allow it to burrow through the outer jelly coat of the egg. The sperm plasma then fuses with the egg's plasma membrane, the sperm head disconnects from its flagellum and the egg travels down the Fallopian tube to reach the uterus. In the next 24 hours after the sperm meets the egg, fertilization would begin. A new cell is created and it starts diving rapidly. It travels further from the fallopian tube to the uterus and attaches itself in its walls. This is how a baby is formed and continues to grow within the secured walls of the amniotic sack.

Well, actually there are 200 - 600 million sperm normally found in ejaculate increases the chance that some will reach a mature egg, eventually with just one being able to enter and fertilize it. Meaning that out of those millions sperm, the only sperm that won the race was us (unless if you're a twin). So, yes! I'm the sperm who won the race!! Feeling great, right? But have you ever wondered if a different sperm had hit your mother's egg, would you still be you? & Would you be here now, if you'd lost that race? 

I don't know if we could trust this article I found 100% but I do trust it (a little).

It DOES make a difference which sperm wins the race: Scientists scan 100 sperm from one man - and find huge DNA differences.

The 'race' betweeen human sperm to the eggs might just look like a bunch of wriggling tadpoles- but it makes a big difference which sperm wins. Even sperm cells from the same man have big genetic differences, a study has shown. For the first time, scientists have obtained genetic blueprints of almost 100 sperm from a single individual.

The results confirm what scientists already know, that every sperm is different because of the way their inherited DNA is shuffled.The process, known as recombination, mixes up genes passed down by a man's mother and father and increases genetic diversity.

Each of the 91 sperm studied showed an average of 23 recombination, or mixing, events. But individual sperm varied greatly in the way they experienced spontaneous genetic mutations.Every sperm contained between 25 and 36 ‘new’ mutations, not seen in other body cells.

Two sperm were found to be missing entire chromosomes, the protein-bound packages of DNA that contain the genes.Random mutations create genetic variation, but can be harmful if they occur in the wrong places.

The cells were donated by a 40-year-old man who has healthy offspring and normally functioning sperm.
‘For the first time we were able to generate an individual recombination map and mutation rate for each of several sperm from one person,’ said Professor Barry Behr, from Stanford University in California, US.‘Now we can look at a particular individual, make some calls about what they would likely contribute genetically to an embryo, and perhaps even diagnose or detect potential problems.’Genetically sequencing sperm could provide a ‘new kind of early detection system’ to identify men who may have trouble conceiving, he added.

Most cells in the human body have two copies each of 23 chromosomes, containing DNA inherited from both parents. However, sperm in men and eggs in women only have single copies.Recombination occurs before the chromosomes are partitioned. During a process called meiosis, pairs of chromosomes line up along the midsection of the cell. Portions of the chromosome pairs may then be randomly swapped, mixing up the inherited DNA elements.

This generates much more genetic variation than would be possible if only intact chromosomes were segregated into reproductive cells. It helps ensure that a baby inherits a blend of DNA from all four of his or her grandparents. Sperm and egg chromosomes pair up to produce the usual two-copy compliment after fertilisation.

So yes. I think that I would still be A me but not THIS me if another sperm had got there first. But I think I obviously would have different physical traits and personality if that had happened (but I'm glad I'm me). 

And have you ever asked your parents why they gave birth to you? Parents did have a choice not to have a kid but they chose to have kids. If you feel you cannot ask this question to your parents, imagine asking this question to your Creator.

Who has the authority if Allah has to take your permission to create you? If you have the authority, does it not make Allah inferior to you? Can someone inferior to you be your God? Moreover, if we read the Quran, we will know that we have agreed to worship and obey Allah before we came to this earth. Of course, we don't remember it.That's why Allah in His infinite mercy has reminded us.The whole of Quran is a “reminder” and hence the name “dhikr” for the Quran.

“And [mention] when your Lord took from the children of Adam – from their loins – their descendants and made them testify of themselves, [saying to them], "Am I not your Lord?" They said, "Yes, we have testified." [This] – lest you should say on the day of Resurrection, "Indeed, we were of this unaware."
                                                                                                                            - Chapter 7: Verse 172

So Allah is only expecting us to fulfill what we have agreed to.

We have a choice to decide where we want to be and we can make a good choice by deciding to obey Allah in all possible ways and seek His forgiveness for our shortcomings. If that's too hard, we always have a choice to disobey and deceive ourselves in this short and temporary worldly life and end up in misery in the eternal life after death.

So, I think the reason why I'm me today is because I have agreed to be born in this world and to worship and obey Allah. However, I'm still trying to give my best to Allah and I'm so ashamed that I'm still so clueless on so many things even though I know I would never be perfect in any way no matter how hard I try. So, I just want to a better me, in every way.

Everyday wasn't the day I wanted it to be. I've always told myself to not to do things I told myself to stop doing but I would always fail. 

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” I think I should just let it go and be happy the way I am and stop rushing myself to change immediately. 

Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.

- Every Sperm Is Sacred, Monty Python 

Never question why we're here. Never regret being who you are. Be happy because life's too short to wake up with regrets. Love with your heart & live with your faith. Keep your head up and nothing will bring you down.