Wednesday, February 10, 2016

#25

I usually fail to get into a relationship because I lack the ability to know exactly where I stand. I always dive into my thoughts and feelings too quick before thinking thoroughly. Saying this time around, it must be real - he could be my true love. This has brought me into a series of unrequited loves.

One of my unrequited love cases was a guy I fell for with such a reason unexplained and I fell the hardest for him. I never thought I'd fall for him. He wasn't anything I dreamed of but I was attracted to him the first time I saw him. I had no idea why, even today, I still can't figure it out. I just found him very beautiful that it hurt because he almost took my breath away.

He was by no means an aesthetic ideal of a man I thought I'd fall for. Not that I  prioritize looks over value - I just had a preference. I visualized my type as someone with his hair sleeked and his fashion sense clean, but he was the opposite. However, such simple things made me went head over heels for him like the perfect halo created from the sunlight that illuminated his hair from behind. How the wind blew his hair, making it swayed in the air, as if it was beckoning me closer to join the dance. Every time I met his pair of soulful eyes, I just wished I could dive into them and never find the way out.

He didn't talk to me often - almost never for some days. But when I heard his voice, I had butterflies in my stomach, I remember my heart beat at the same tempo as the words he uttered, even when he was actually talking to another person, not me.

It was almost impossible for me to have a conversation with him because he always left me speechless. I couldn't contain myself when I was in his presence. It was his cheeky smile that teased me as if he knew all of my inordinately romanticized thoughts of us, leaving a pink tinge developed on my face.

A day not seeing him was like a year without the sun and I would find myself lost in the dark. When I saw him again, there were fireworks everywhere I'd go. He was the reason I held my pillow so tight at night, sometimes smiling, most of the times crying. I couldn't keep my composure realizing he was out there, giving zero fuck about me here but everything changed when I saw him. He became my drugs. Sometimes I put my trust too much into the drugs and decided to take them twice as bad. I was doing nothing but destroying myself slowly.

His intelligence and humor might be some possesions of his that made him perfect in my eyes. His jokes always made my knees weak and his wits never fail to sweep me off my feet. His mind was a library, and I would do anything to get into it, flipping through each books and tracking word by word. Every charming yet otherworldly perfect character from novels and movies I read and watched reminded me of him.

He was constantly on my mind and I ended up dreaming about him a lot. I enjoyed those innocent fantasies I had of him and I like having his fingers intertwined with mine, watching the sunsets, dancing in the rain, singing duets together and arguing which one of us have better taste in music. I couldn't resist being in the wishful moments because they gave me pleasure, thinking of having him in my arms because in reality, he was like a statue so tall I could only observe from the distance.

Unrequited love is funny. It makes you happy before it causes you pain when you realize everything is only in your mind. Unrequited love makes you build your own world with him in your dream but unapologetically slaps you in the face when you wake up from that bittersweet dream in the morning. Unrequited love is crazy because despite of being hopeless, you still choose not to stop.

When he is not aware of your deep and strong romantic affection or consciously reject it, but that doesn't stop you from nurturing your love towards him and instead, you blame yourself for causing heartache to yourself - that's an unrequited love.